This Is Me Saying Goodbye To 2020

-Bea C. Pilotin

Jasmin Pilotin-Verzosa

And while I triple-lutzed the ink pen in my fingers, the world is silent and only the scratch and draw of my pen and ticking of clock mark the passage of time. The gravity of what’s happening around the world cast a long shadow over the many disparate thoughts. I feel chills tiptoeing down my spine when I come across an eerily resonant newspaper headline each day. Covid-19 is like a wildfire with no end in sight. And if one isn’t that lucky enough, it means dying alone. And just like a bird caught in a net that struggled to be free, fear has fluttered in my chest.

2020 has been a crappy year for everybody. It starts badly and runs badly all year long. It’s no doubt, 2020 is the most notorious year I’ve ever have all my life with its ugliest forms. 2020 has been frightening in my suddenness; this year’s unexpectedness and shock still linger in my eyes. Its chaos invades my ordinary. 2020 has been the season of scarcity, of loss upon loss, depriving everybody of safety and certainty. 2020 makes me feel everything, all at once. It’s the kind of disturbing emotion which makes me fall prey to anxiety and it has been creating knots in my stomach and is fueled by a lack of control, by not knowing what my life or the world will have to look like tomorrow until the end of 2020. I spend almost the whole year oscillating between hopes, fear, hopelessness and uncertainty.

But it’s almost over.

So, this is me saying goodbye to 2020 and seeing the potential for a positive change to happen when 2021 comes.

This is me saying goodbye to a year full of nightmares.

This is me saying goodbye for being submerged in fear and tension that intensify the world and the terror of such horrendous event.

This is me saying goodbye to a year full of awful things that arrive each day with cruelty.

This is me saying goodbye to a year that fills my life with lots of unknowns and so much uncertainties.

This is me saying goodbye in trying to feel better about things that scare me most- the fear of contagion that pushes me into a behavior that exacerbates anxiety and has obviously been a paramount issue the whole year.

This is me saying goodbye to those “what ifs” “hows” and “whys” that used to bother me.

This is me saying goodbye to a year full of worry that consistently makes me wake up in the middle of the night and sit at the corner in my room and brace an unimaginable impact.

Here I am, hopeful that I won’t be spending times skipping one night of shut-eye, those nights tossing and turning around, struggling to unglue from the constant scroll of what’s happening around.

Here I am, leaving 2020 and feeling hopeful about what comes ahead.

Here I am, hopeful that some aspects of life will get back to the way they were and when they do, I will really be able to value what matters and enjoy what human beings took for granted before.

Here I am, waiting for the year 2021 and sincerely hoping for the silver linings as I watch the golden sunlight dancing on the surface of the earth that feels the breath of the wind on my skin. I know that the trembling of earth and the look of the faces in the darkness will soon fade and alter everything.

Here I am, hopeful that when the year 2021 comes, milestones will no longer be affected: graduation day, entering school and leaving school.

Here I am, hopeful that the coming of the year 2021 signals the end of social distance nod and wearing a mask, the start of handshakes and the beginning of elbow bumps and holding hands. And yes, to hell with six feet distances or even farther as the metaphorical finish line is somewhat visible.

Here I am, counting the days left, putting all the hell aside and hoping that 2021 will be free of suffocating claustrophobia as 2020 winds down.

Here I am, looking forward to those epic parts of my life- days that are spent in the in-between and small moments that happen amidst the more memorable ones like seeing a stranger’s gorgeous smile, giving somebody a hug, trying on new clothes using dressing rooms in stores and just sitting in a crowded restaurant.

And here I am, welcoming the 2021 and seeking out those glimmers of joy, like hopping on a plane, jet setting across Europe and planning a long awaited vacation.