BEYOND ANXIETY, THERE IS HEALING
I have always wanted to write this piece, ever since I came across the term GAD, which I am sure most of you are familiar with. For years, articles about anxiety has been popping up on my social media feed, and being the inquisitive person that I am, I’ve read lots of them. And let me tell you, it’s scary.
I made my first ever visit to a Psychiatrist in the year 2012; my hands clenched in my lap, feet rocking. And I say it straight up that I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) with panic attack. For the longest time, I never wanted to admit I was sad, troubled and alone. Having GAD, it affected the way I think. It was an impulse in my body that kept saying, “I’m not safe right now.” I excessively and constantly besieged by worry. I viewed problems, unrealistically and felt restless and on edge. I have troubles in concentrating and the inability to turn my brain off from thinking. I have troubles in sleeping. I have panic disorder or phobia and OCD. And I gained substantial relief from the symptoms with medication. Yes, the symptoms that come and go, such as stressful times contribute to its development. As a writer, anxiety made me constantly underestimate my abilities, intellect and myself. I let pieces of writing sit idle for almost two years and let anxiety stagnate my life. Most days, I wanted to curl up in bed and sleep away my anxiety. In my job, I have worked very hard to find ways to push past the daily struggles I faced. But some days, I really could not keep going and I blamed everything on my anxiety.
For the past years, I started to turn to friends and seek for counselling because I realized there was no shame in admitting that I was far from perfect. And there’s no shame into admitting I needed a help. But it turned out that the friends I wanted to equip myself with were not the right ones, although I considered them friends. And the condition worsened when they were telling everyone about the things that troubled me on a daily basis. And the feeling was crippling. Imagine being stuck in a deep well with a boulder tied to my ankle. They were like the ones behind me calling me out on all of my mistakes. And every time I tried to climb up towards the light, these friends were the ones holding me back. So, I had to stop telling them my daily troubles, worries and difficulties in life. Recently, every time the anxiety symptoms flared up, I reached out to no one but myself, alternately crying uncontrollably and writing because these were the things that I knew would peel back the layers of what it’s actually like to live and survive every day while coping with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attack.
After visiting my Psychiatrist recently, and being diagnosed and treated for GAD with panic attack is something that I’m happy to talk about, at work that I’m working, or elsewhere with true friends. Because I realized that I need to equip myself with the right people around me, the ones who do not define anxiety just “nothing.” The friends who are ready to help, love, understand and accept me. Because anxiety is a part of me. I am not a victim. This is my truth and my life. Beyond it, I know that I will survive because there is healing.
